Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]

[later]

GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone

Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.

Good morning

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.