Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?

me: no, that’s a fence

Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

Weirdos gonna weird.

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store