I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
You Might Also Like
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
What
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.