Message from the dog groomers
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The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.