Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.

To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.

To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.

Her: Have you planned your funeral?

Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.

Her: (Stares)

Me: What? Are you busy on that day?

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?

Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.

8: Never mind.

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”