I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
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An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.