I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
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[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Bro what is this
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.