Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

Good morning ☺️

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

ok like just. call me at this point

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

Staying with my parents, part 6:

My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.

Me: WHAT? Nooo!

Her: Next time you should read the box.

Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you

Her: lol that was your first mistake

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.