I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
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Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier