Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

Interviewer: And your references?

Me: 90’s television mostly.

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

I’m gonna take this shit to another level!

*pushes elevator button*

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.

Wait for it! 🤣👏😝

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this

went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer