Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.

Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.