I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
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Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
logging onto twitter…
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Mood.. 😂
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Does your wife know you’re single?
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said