I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
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Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.