I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
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We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Florida man
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”