I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
You Might Also Like
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.