Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

still the best tweet of the year by far

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby