I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
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I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Pro tip for my good boys out there
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon