I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
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FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
A Short Story.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson