I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
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If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Haha good job!!
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.