Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

men: i like the natural no makeup look

me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]

When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

Most fashion shows these days…

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

Happy Caturday!

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.