I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
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Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha