I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
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Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
that wasn’t the question
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂