I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
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I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Europe. Made in Germany.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.