I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
You Might Also Like
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
a McRib killed my tapeworm
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”