Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭

Jupiter

My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.

I said, “Are you’re addicted?”

He said, “Yeah, obviously.”

I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”

“Probably everyone knows.”

My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.

[Starts to open package of cheese]

[Hears kids running towards kitchen]

[Escapes with cheese to car]

[Drives 5 hours to hotel]

[Checks into room]

[Starts to open package of cheese]

My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes