I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
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*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
bat life
