I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
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[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Welcome
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
This week’s mood.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)