I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
You Might Also Like
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Oops I deleted….
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat