I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
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Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Sending in my taxes
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.