@Breadery

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

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@SondraDeeMe

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

@PaperWash

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

@Marcmywords2

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

@ArfMeasures

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

@kashanacauley

People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

@seanforhire

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

@lafpgh

He insulted my sister, and I let it slide. He insulted my mother, and I let it slide. Then…he insulted my tweets.