PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
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teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
me: hey what the f-
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
He insulted my sister, and I let it slide. He insulted my mother, and I let it slide. Then…he insulted my tweets.