I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
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I’ve had poops that lasted longer than the tiktok ban
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
🤣
me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
There is wisdom there.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
dam girl
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on