I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
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TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.