I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
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no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no