Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.

guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity