I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.
I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money
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So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
fair
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
jesus, what did this guy do
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…