Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes

when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.

🤣

gollum: *coughs on ring*

frodo: you know what, keep it

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.