Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity