Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 50’s.

I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.

Happy Halloween!

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.

Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.

Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”