I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
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WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.