I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
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Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.