Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1583516515835514902/pu/vid/576x1024/6IU4qbEWE1x3DrVZ.mp4?tag=12

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?

Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?

Parents: go to your room.

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.