I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
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my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Seems kinda suspicious
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.
me: ask them who their CEO is
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!