I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
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[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Going to the gym “naked” means without wearing headphones. I know this now.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting