I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
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me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician