I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
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FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now