Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper

me: [from a distance] just open it

I call my toilet “Jim”…

It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…

Spider: [doing the moonwalk]

Narrator: wtf no

Spider: [breakdancing]

Narrator: omg

Spider: [doing the robot] lol

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

let’s hear it for plates that are bowls

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants

Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar