I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
You Might Also Like
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
twitter users today:
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems