I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
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[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
#Caturday
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Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
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When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving