I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
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*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.