I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
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ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Best spoiler warning ever
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind