I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
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It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
ibopfufen
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something