Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

when u get so high u forget u ordered food

This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

we’re dead?

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]

“Dammit!”

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.