I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
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how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
My first son he is wonderful
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.