Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when u get so high u forget u ordered food

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.

Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?

ME: OMG SAME

HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000

Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”

– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.