Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.

Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub

Her: what was that about?

Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off

Her: at the zoo tho?

Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)