I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
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Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
the battle rages on
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978