I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

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My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.


Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.


[police chase]
FRIEND: ditch the stolen stuff
ME: are u sure
F: just do it
M: *throws out stolen anchor and car comes to a screeching halt*


I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.


Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what




“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash


FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed

ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary


do you think my parents divorced because I’m too handsome like they said


JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume


My son announced to his entire class that the bank keeps calling Daddy every day to talk about money.

We’re renewing our mortgage.