Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?

ME: have you restarted your computer?

MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

got so much cardio in today

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

Me: is there anything on my face

Him: no you’re good

[15 minutes later]

Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair

Him: you didn’t ask about your hair

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.

Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free