Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

🫡

You’re telling me this life crisis is mid

Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN

We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-

ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.