Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫

Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

Finally

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches