Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

The honesty is refreshing

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

HIM: Sure.

SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE:

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.

if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too

Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1554672838552031232/pu/vid/886x470/UBLAUqO-_ewVvQ2c.mp4?tag=12

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

Look Ma, no handle on things

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*