I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
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ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.