Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”

A Roomba, but to shave my legs.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

i want the dreams to chase me for once

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.

My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Found my door mat

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.