I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
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I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
termite twitter scares me
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.