I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
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Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
🤣✨#caturday
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?