I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
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Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.