I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
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*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week