I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
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Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
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*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*