I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
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Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Best table by far
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Velcrow
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Never forget.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?