I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
You Might Also Like
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.