I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
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I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.