Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!

ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on

girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

The old gods are rising again.

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.