I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
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Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
True
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Fight
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.